美国大学夏校申请文书专家指导攻略（三）

原创来源：国际升学指导专家邓宁、中国教育在线国际教育频道主编赵刚

【编者按】通过十几年从事国际升学指导的实践积累，作者从数以千计的文书案例中摸索共性规律，找出中国学生在美国大学夏校或科研项目文书写作方面存在的核心问题，并详细记录与学生的沟通过程、对文案的修改过程，为国际升学指导教师和夏校申请学生提供深入浅出的案例分析和文书展示。高质量文书写作需要从以下四个方面着手：对于文书题目的理解、对于适合文书的素材筛选、对于文书写作的内容定位与思想定位、对于文书写作语言风格与结构的设计。以下是攻略的第三部分，重点介绍“对于文书写作的思想定位”、以及“对于文书写作语言风格与结构的设计”。

三、对于文书写作的内容定位与思想定位

（二）文书写作的思想定位。申请文书思想定位的核心是“关系”， 仍以人为核心，突出人与人的关系、人与环境的关系、人与世界的关系等，最终定位人的思想境界，科学精神、学术道德、人文关怀等都是思想定位的方向。

以上是宏观、主旨层面的定位，申请文书针对主题的论证过程中，思想定位还需要体现思辨意识。

以下是哈佛夏校探讨人工智能时代、学术道德的题目，要求从学生视角看待AI、学术造假等敏感问题。

What does academic integrity look like in the age of Generative AI? How has this impacted you as student?

学生的初稿如下：

In the era of artificial intelligence (AI), academic integrity could be maintained properly, if misconducts are minimized. I hold that the proper application of AI lies in technological development rather than administrative blocking. When ChatGPT was invented late 2022, for example, a considerable number of universities worldwide declared a total ban on it on campus. However, the strict restriction ended up with an even wider use of ChatGPT. Harvard University, on the other hand, allows ChatGPT on campus but within a scope of strict regulations. AI-detective apps are installed to fight against plagiarism. From my perspective, AI seems an interactive friend, who inspires me through interactions. As a student, I could save time in research by making use of the vast amount of database to check the precision of a conclusion. Apparently, some of its genius recommendations are likely to be considered when I feel it hard to push the boundaries of my study. I am totally against copy-and-paste style in academia when applying AI. To this end, I strongly oppose using the AI photos in academic essays. However, I would rather apply AI to refurbishment of my presentation, making it attractive to audience. Until now innovation and originality have not become the advantage of AI, which tends to combine as many links as possible after a quick and thorough search online.

初稿对于问题的前半部（人工智能时代的学术道德）做了回应，但后半部分仍局限在学术道德领域，没能继续阐述AI对学校教育的影响以及“我”如何看待这种影响。学生思考角度的缺失根源还是思想的局限性，没有打开认知边界。

本文仍应该从“人”的角度深入展开，特别是AI时代教师与学生的关系、教学与学习的关系，需要点出AI的局限性，从而凸显新型时代背景下的人文精神。文书题目很简单，如何才能想到这个深层的逻辑来回答这个题目？这个问题也是考验学生思考的深度（deep insights）。

第一，AI是人创造的，使用AI的也是人，所以需要从人的层面去考虑，而不是简单地就是事论事，仅仅围绕academic integrity。

第二，How has this impacted you中的this指什么？这是个题眼词。从上一句看，很容易停留在表层理解“在使用AI的背景下，academic integrity如何影响你”。其实，如果进一步挖掘，“AI在学校环境下如何影响你”的主题更具深意。需要把学校学习大环境下的多维因素考虑进来，在AI背景下，分析教师与学生的关系、教学与学习的关系，进而突显教育的本质，以及AI对教育的影响。

学生对this的理解停留在表层，说明学生对所申请学校的理解不到位。哈佛之所以是名校，与其办学宗旨分不开，即培养学生成为各个行业的世界领袖。作为领袖人才，考虑问题的视角往往是“由点及面”，从一个点出发理解整个行业，从而深入领会行业与人的关系，以及这个出发点对人的影响。

关于AI，哈佛也有自己的理解和准则，因此指导学生查阅哈佛大学有关AI在校园应用的相关声明。

经过两次修改后，第三稿的进步很明显。

The Harvard University has officially declared support for responsible experimentation with Generative AI tools. I appreciate the Harvard attitude towards new technology in the waves of panic to ban the ChatGPT on campus. But greater freedom to apply new technology means a higher price to maintain academic ethics. Academic integrity still means honesty and originality in outcome of research, but based on more complex plagiarism detection and regulatory monitoring. To detect plagiarism, Turnitin, a text-matching software platform, has been widely applied at Harvard. To monitor scholars and students, ChatGPT-related regulations has been established soon after the new technology was released late 2022, and hence a third-party review system to secure equality and justice. As a student of this new era, I am cautiously optimistic about this ever-changing high-tech environment. On the one hand, I am fascinated by interaction with ChatGPT to push the boundaries of my study, where a vast amount of information is put together from different perspectives. But, on the other hand, I don’t believe that AI will take place of schools or universities completely. Likewise music fans could get access to all their favorite songs with iPods, which may hardly replace a stadium concert of the singers they love. What exactly music fans want is interpersonal links. School education is necessary with interpersonal connection being secured on campus. Apart from learning, students are emotionally involved in a wide range of activities at school, where they respect others and shape their personalities. More importantly, AI education is no match with school education in interaction between teachers and students. Human teachers, for example, will respond any unplanned affairs but robot teachers have not been so interactive yet. Finally I would maintain academic ethics as part of my moral ethics. In the times of AI-fueled plagiarism spreading over, academic integrity seems more valuable than ever. In turn original research outcomes will be under the closest scrutiny. With a commitment to academic ethics, however, I could stay focused on the scientific research I am engaged, which is the only way to stand out.

四、对于文书写作语言风格与结构的设计

（一）文书写作语言风格的设计。在第一章节提到过，语言风格与申请文书的题目要求密切相关。

文书基本的语言风格是“描述性写作”（narrative writing），针对不同题目要考虑描述的对象。夏校项目、课程的“做什么—为什么”（what-why）模式的题目所对应的是对自己客观行为的描述和反思。

不过，当题目规定的范围超出具体的项目涵盖的内容时，语言风格可以随之“超越”。这是夏校或科研项目主办方从不同侧面观察申请者的底层逻辑，因此，更富想象力、更具现场感的语言风格很容易吸引校方或项目方的注意，从而达到“出奇制胜”的效果。

下面的题目便是引导申请者采取“超越”笔法和风格的典型案例。

Reflect on a book you have read or a film you have seen where you strongly related to a character. State and describe the character, their traits and significance, and how they personify you.

题目要求从读过的书或看过的电影中找到与申请人密切相关的角色，描述角色特征和意义，陈述这些特征和意义如何映射到申请人的。

以下是学生的初稿：

I am a huge fan of the Japanese fictional movieSteins Gate, where I strongly relate me to the protagonist Ryutaro Okabe. As a college student though, Ryutaro Okabe is always keen to change the world. Along with other team members, he establishes a research institute for future technologies. Ryutaro Okabe’s world-changing attitude has never faded even when the institute just develops some low-end products at the very beginning. Accidentally a time machine is produced when he comes across a world-class talent. Although Ryutaro Okabe is frequently in trouble after the invention takes shape, he has maintained his academic ethics and changed the history by correcting the previous errors. Likewise, I dream to be a neuroscientist and bring human beings back to normal mentally. To begin with basic inventions in neuroscience, I designed a board game to alleviate the pain of teenagers with mental disorder along with my teammates. The game could be used as complementary to the medical treatment and part of the disease prevention. Strenuous accumulation will be paid off as what Ryutaro Okabe has achieved. Moreover, I take academic ethics seriously, although it is no easy to maintain the faith of right and wrong before authority in academia. In The Elite Program in China, for example, I took an initiative to refine the theory of ultraviolet-induced high GC content published onSciencein 1970. During the year-long research, however, I analyzed piles of data from the NCBI to see that the experimental results were against the academic conclusion of the previous study. My tutor praised my efforts and courage to challenge the authority in neuroscience. Consequently, I was nominated top 15 out 350 senior high schoolers nationwide.

学生找到了日本动画片《命运石之门》（Steins Gate）主人公冈部伦太郎（Ryutaro Okabe）与自己的相似之处。但遗憾的是，学生没有理解题目中how they personify you（这些特征和意义如何映射到自己）的含义，学生纠结于“我模仿主人公，还是我被主人公映射”。其实，题目的意思是“我如何被主人公映射”。

除了人物关系（影片与现实关系）尚未充分理解外，整篇文书的语言风格回到了中规中矩的论文形式，显然没有领会出题者的底层逻辑。

在指导过程中，为学生提供鲁迅短篇小说《在酒楼上》中镜子映射的写法作参照，要求学生简单回顾一下动画片中的情节，挑选出主人公的典型举动，映射自己在现实中的表现，突出自己的个性、人格。

学生领悟很快，准确把握了影片主人公与自己之间的共性，在语言风格上很有带入感，心理描写、隐喻的运用很传神。下文是最终定稿。

I am a huge fan of the Japanese science fiction movieSteins Gate, where I strongly relate me to the protagonist Ryutaro Okabe. To my surprise, I find myself a twin brother of Ryutaro Okabe in personalities. We both are courageous to insist on what we think is right until it is proved wrong. We both are courageous to defend truth and challenge the academic authority in the domain of science. The time Ryutaro Okabe shouted angrily at a well-known researcher in public, who stole the already-published research results of the time machine, I felt a big thrill of courage again. That reminded me of the moment when I punched my desk after piles and piles of data analysis for nearly a year. I stated firmly to my tutor that the conclusion of the theory onSciencein 1970 proved wrong. Apart from courage, idealism is what Ryutaro Okabe and I have in common. Both of us are science boys and share the dream to change the world by making contributions to human beings. The only difference between us is that Ryutaro Okabe tends to be more aggressive while I appear to be quieter. In most cases, he cries out crazily about his dream, his love, his hatred, his suspicion, and his frustration, which echoes from the bottom of my heart. No wonder we are on the same page. He argued furiously against the opinion which denied the theory and practice of a time machine. According to Ryutaro Okabe, a time machine was a final solution to address the historical problems of the world. The fury burned my heart when I recalled a group discussion. A team member defied my efforts to explore what a mental disordered patient thought about. I tried to put my trembling heart under control to avoid further argument. Thoroughly I explained how significant my dream was to detect the unknown areas of abnormal people. Otherwise the pain of the patients and mine will never be alleviated.

（二）文书写作结构的设计。论文式文书写作结构是最常用的，也便于掌握。对于100-750字篇幅的文书，开头、结尾、正文三部分结构是申请人最熟悉的。

75字左右“微文书”的论文往往围绕一件事，“转承起合”的状语常被省略。

需要注意的是，申请文书首句、尾句是申请文书最重要的部分，为全文定调，反映申请人审题、内容定位、语言风格的有效性。

例如，下面是美国爱荷华大学SSTP夏校申请题目：

Briefly describe each of your research areas of interest. This is used to help determine which faculty mentors will be sent your application materials. If you have particular interests, technical skills, or experience with a research method this is the appropriate place to highlight those talents.

学生文书首句如下：

Methodology in research, role plays in group work and academic ethics are discussed to showcase my particular interests, technical skills, and experience.

在阅读全文后，指导教师发现，Methodology in research并没有体现，大量篇幅是在谈research areas of interest，显然，学生将两个概念混淆。这个案例从反面证明首句在全文中的决定意义。

而语言风格不受论文格式限制的结构就很松散了，为营造想象空间和个性化，文体结构带有一定的意识流风格。

以哥伦比亚大学夏校文书为例：

The Columbia Pre- College program is a community of students and educators from perse backgrounds. Tell us about a time in which you experienced a difference in perspective or life experience. How did you demonstrate respect for the other person and take their perspective into account. (maximum 150 words)

题目要求学生通过讲述一个与自己背景不同的观点或人生经历，并展示在这个过程中如何尊重别人和考虑别人的观点。

文书最后终稿如下：

Grandma never understood why, out of all the instruments I could learn, I picked the trombone. When I played the trombone, I would try all means to be loud; the rougher it sounded the better. Grandma believed otherwise: girls should act like princesses and be meek and gentle. As age grew, I began to see that gentleness and masculinity do not necessarily stand in opposition. Grand and masculine a symphony may be, yet its charisma composes not just of the stronger and more assertive passages: it is the occasional probing into deeper softness that makes it interesting. Playing for Grandma’s birthday, I finally decided to embrace the possibility ofdolce—“with gentleness.” As tenderness crept back into my music, I saw Grandma’s eyes lit up, and she smiled as if she were back to her teens: making garlands and daydreaming of boys, beaming with hope as we all once were.

这篇文书的题目给学生创造了发挥想象、体现个性的空间。文章不仅陈述了自己和外婆之间对于吹小号的不同观点，而且通过描述在外婆生日时演奏小号的经历，回应如何尊重并考虑别人的观点，以及这种尊重所产生的积极影响。

*相关内容链接：

美国大学夏校申请文书专家指导攻略（一）

美国大学夏校申请文书专家指导攻略（二）

声明：个人原创，仅供参考